Unspoken Pain: Male Trauma in the Aftermath of Abortion #WorldMentalHealthDay
I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fibre and liquids – and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Ralph Ellison, The Invisible Man
For World Mental Health Day, which is the 10th of October every year, I wanted to discuss men’s mental health. Particularly, the trauma men experience after abortion. This year’s theme is “mental health is a universal human right,” and of course, though trauma from abortion isn’t a focus, nor the mental health of men in particular, it triggered me to think about the effect abortion has on men.
I’m a member of a Christian group as well; and someone mentioned, when I shared my previous article around abortion, that men also experience trauma. So the two events became a catalyst for this brief article, which I think is really important. Men don’t talk about their mental pain; they barely discuss physical infirmity. Yet the aftershocks of male trauma are seen everywhere - drug addiction, crime, spousal abuse, identity issues, sexual dysfunction and suicide. Men are abused and raped. Men are rendered homeless, been wrongfully accosted and bullied by police, they’ve been poorly educated and they’ve also been ignored. In a male dominated society, we tend to associate men in power with the average guy trying to survive, and we align these more vulnerable men in our community with an evil and toxicity that isn’t natural to their essence. Men are often associated with a deliberateness toward aggression and oppression that is usually a manifestation of deep pain, but this is often overlooked. Less aggressive men isolate themselves, and tend to suffer from anxieties and neuroses that impact their ability to function in the world.
At the core - men hurt too. They have pain that manifests in a variety of ways, and yes, these can be dangerous manifestations to the public and women. Yet, if we continue to render male pain invisible, and disregard it because we don’t understand it, we will never stop the cycle of violence and mental illness among men.
Where men are often made invisible, is in discussions around abortion. The focus is women and their experiences, and I believe that’s right. Women are the ones whose bodies and hormones are most greatly affected with this procedure, and often there are no support networks in place to support women during their pregnancy. However, that isn’t the reason men have been ignored in discussions around abortion. The reason men have been excluded from abortion conversations is due to the political nature of this unnecessary procedure, codified through court decisions that systematically disempower men.
It’s crucial to recognise that men can also be deeply affected by abortion, and their experiences of trauma, grief and guilt can be as powerful as that of women. In some cases, it can manifest in worst ways, as the man feels invisible and hallowed from the experience, with no one to turn to.
Twice in the UK, both in 1987 and 2001, men have brought their partners to court to stop the abortion, but they lost their cases - the reasoning being the long-term harm to the mother’s mental health. The political climate against men mourning abortion has been extreme, with a recent case of Adam Smith-Connor, who was fined in 2022 for praying silently in front of an abortion clinic for his son that passed away due to an abortion that he helped procure.
In the US, Planned Parenthood of Missouri v. Danforth (1976), it was deemed a husband’s desire to have a child was not a valid consideration for an abortion. This was further supported by Planned Parenthood v. Casey (1992), that covered many aspects of abortion, such as loosening the definition of medical emergency, and entering “viability” into the conversation around abortion. It also stated that marital women having to prove they’ve notified their spouses prior to abortion, put undue “burden” on married women seeking abortion. Although Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health (2022) allowed US States to set their own abortion laws, it didn’t address the parental rights of fathers in cases of abortion. So, though the father’s rights aren’t specifically legislated against, due to abortion being classed as a medical procedure, women’s rights to privacy supersede that of the father’s right to know. Additionally, as the mother is the only person physically affected by the pregnancy, other members of the family, including father’s, grandparents or siblings, must defer to the physical burden the woman undertakes in carrying a child for 9 months.
Fathers, who aren’t husbands, have never legally been considered. That’s a critical point, as today, it’s estimated that 86% of US women and 82% of UK women who seek abortion are unmarried, demonstrating a deep stigma that persists around single-parenthood.
The magic of reproduction, the joining together of sperm and egg to create life, happens irrespective of marital status. It’s a scientific and spiritual joining that happens in whatever circumstance allows for sperm and egg to join. And, as part of natural living, it isn’t moral or ethical to value a life based on the legal status of the parents. All unique individuals deserve the opportunity to be born into a world of love and acceptance, and given a chance to grow. To stop that natural process is deeply traumatic and painful, and it travels far beyond the confines of the womb in which the child will grow. It affects the entire community, and the future viability of the human race. It also affects the father - the emotional impact of abortion in men is real. This trauma can be lasting and it affects all aspects of men’s health.
The Complexity of Male Guilt After Abortion
Abortion harms men. Though it’s not a politically convenient truth, from a physical and metaphysical perspective, both partners have contributed to the creation of a unique human being. While men do not experience the physical aspects of pregnancy, they are undoubtedly affected by the outcome. A child changes a man into a father. If he already has children, the unborn child is a potential sibling for his existing children that he’s seen be born and grow. The emotional upset when a man sees the mother or the health establishment purposefully deprive him of a potential child can affect his self-worth, his outlook on life and mental health. A man may be stricken with confusion and guilt, especially in cases where he feels differently about how a child who is unlikely to survive, or has abnormalities, should be treated before birth.
These complex grief experiences stem from the essential powerlessness of men in women’s reproduction. In the best of circumstances, men have little way of truly understanding the impact pregnancy has on the body. The mood shifts, the vulnerability, the physical labour of carrying and delivering a child is something he will never experience. So, in the face of female reproduction, men are bombarded by a complicated mixture of their own emotions, the emotions of the mother, societal expectations, and personal beliefs - all of which are occurring under a backdrop of changing political constructs and contradictory medical advice. This is emotionally overwhelming, psychologically taxing, and physically draining, indicated in the high stress men experience during pregnancy, and the lasting stress response after the loss of the baby.
Studies have shown men struggle in general with emotional regulation strategies (ways in which to modulate their emotions for the better) in comparison to women. However, men do have the ability to “accept” situations more so than women, which may lead to men having delayed reactions to traumatising events, as it’s the distance from the event that may have the greatest impact. If this is days, weeks or months post abortion, a man may feel he has little to be upset about, and choose to mask his feelings in risky behaviours, or descend into depression and anxiety.
It is these differences that people overlook when viewing male trauma post abortion. Men will deeply intellectualise the event, and this will raise their stress levels, and lead to long-term mental disharmony, and illness. Men often say to themselves:
“I should have been stronger” (for my partner or child): This thought occurs because testosterone often manifests as a “dominance” hormone, leading to feelings of competitiveness, and some theorise, protection instincts. Men will compare their situation to that of others, and begin to feel as though they lack core strength because they were unable to protect their partner or child from the devastating effects of abortion. This can be extremely upsetting for men, enhancing feelings of guilt, resentment and bitterness. This can lead them to detach from their partners and romantic relationships, or engage in relationships in a cynical and non-caring way, in order to protect themselves from future feelings of inadequacy.
What men have to understand is abortion can be an isolated incident, and not reflective of their ability to move forward into future relationships. There is also hope of repairing their current relationship through mutual work and understanding. And often, with the right support, there is an opportunity for more children - but resentment and bitterness will diminish the chances of this. This is why emotional support and grief counselling is essential post the event.
“I brought this on myself”: Like women, a lot of men are not instantly overjoyed at the prospect of being responsible for the growth and development of a tiny human. Men are often less enthusiastic throughout the pregnancy, as there is no hormonal change toward nesting that occurs upon a woman becoming pregnant, and the worry of financially supporting and emotionally rearing a child can overtake the joyful chorus. Powerful bonding between men and their children sometimes doesn’t occur until after the child is born, and in some cases can take some months after that. The vast majority of women who have abortions are also unmarried, which highlights for the man that even though he may want the child, he was not willing to commit to the mother, which may have informed her decision. In the aftermath of abortion, men will often internalise these feelings, blaming themselves for the outcome, which could descend into racing thoughts around how they behaved in the relationship, how they behaved when they heard the news, what would have happened if they had more money. This can lead to the wrongful conclusion it is their fault that the abortion happened.
What men need to understand is that the fault of abortion is only that of the medical profession that has condoned or recommended this deeply unnatural practice. There are always better ways we can handle situations upon reflection, but at the core of it, the medical profession allows this procedure for mental health reasons. Any procedure that is suggested or condoned as reproductive health will be utilised despite any of your efforts - if the pregnancy is determined to be causing mental distress for the mother.
“It’s not my decision anyway, why care?”: Society has conditioned men over many decades that the choice to bring a child in the world is the mother’s alone. This has left men apathetic toward abortion, or even champions of it for the autonomy it gives women. In contradiction though, the father is central to the abortion outcome. Women often say the reasons for abortion is that she lacked the resources to bring up a child because she isn’t in a committed relationship with the father. Additionally, men are blamed through patriarchy for the abortion decision. The feminist movement has completely negated their commitment to women, as they’ve failed on their promise to address housing and financial support for young mothers attending university, and they’ve failed to extend maternity leave for poor and working class mothers - the main reasons for 98% of abortions. The feminist movement has even failed to focus affordable maternity care in the US; yet, these issues are slammed squarely on men’s doorstep, as it’s often deemed that the patriarchal society is what makes abortion the only logical solution for the above inequity.
This is a confusing place for men to be placed in. They feel a profound sense of helplessness in the abortion decision, but on the other hand are actively and passively blamed for the abortion action. They have little to no legal say in the matter, but, the reasons abortion are taking place is because of their act of impregnating a woman, and their participation in a society that does not support pregnant women. This lose-lose situation can lead to feelings of disempowerment, frustration and detachment. Men will naturally try to hide any feelings of grief or guilt, as society deems it’s not their place to feel either.
“The doctors know best”: This is linked to the above, as societal norms around who is responsible for children, and the lives of disabled children, give men little opportunity to express grief or trauma in the abortion decision. Men are expected to be strong, pragmatic and stoic, which can prevent them from expressing their emotions and seeking support if doctors are suggesting the procedure. Men also doubt their own ability to deal with medical issues within the family. Afterall, women are six times more likely to be abandoned after a serious illness diagnosis. And, in the case of Down’s Syndrome, where there is divorce, 30% happen before the child is aged two, indicating that the child’s disability played a role in the separation. Men aren’t sure how they’re going to react to the challenges of being a father or dealing with familial crisis - to that end, they are heavily reliant on others to make the decision for them.
In retrospect, that may cause intense guilt, as they feel they willingly relinquished their responsibility too early. Yet, one can only make decisions based on the best evidence they’re presented with. For instance, 90% of Down’s Syndrome children are aborted if it’s discovered during pregnancy, and this decision is made largely on the advice of the medical establishment.
“No one thinks I’m grieving”: Male grief after abortion is more often than not overlooked and unaddressed. Therefore, there aren’t many places where men would feel comfortable discussing these complex feelings. Many Catholic organisations have begun addressing male trauma in abortion, but depending on a man’s religious beliefs, or lack thereof, it could deter him from seeking help. For instance, many Asian cultures and those practicing Islam have an extreme stigma attached to their partners having abortions for non-medical emergencies, especially linked to sex prior to marriage. There’s also a generalised stigma for many men if they express disagreement with abortion if they aren’t particularly Christian or religious, as they are often deemed misogynist for questioning whether abortion is a healthy, natural or moral practice. These cultural beliefs and societal stigmas may lead men to live in secrecy with their abortion grief. There’s a sense of invisibility, and some men begin to disassociate mentally, as they begin to doubt if their emotions are real.
This is made worse as many purport male trauma post abortion is simply political, or a misogynistic way to “control women’s bodies” diminishing the authenticity of his emotions. This is emotionally damaging and bullying, as to assume men have no authentic feelings of grief, sadness and regret furthers the stereotype of the stoic, emotionless man. That stereotype is at the crux of the increasing levels of suicide among men, with men making up 77% of suicides in the UK. In the US, men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women. Though suicide is the most extreme of outcomes, we don’t have statistics around how many men engage in dangerous, risky behaviours due to their unresolved, unaddressed pain. Men have to understand that it is important to accept themselves and their feelings, as a failure to do so can put their lives in jeopardy.
The Health Implications of Unaddressed Grief
Grief, when left unexpressed and unresolved, can have profound adverse effects on mental and physical health. This is true for both men and women, but is particularly poignant for men dealing with the grief of abortion:
Mental Health: Unresolved grief can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Men often experience intrusive thoughts and recurrent distressing dreams related to the abortion. These dreams may consist of visions of their deceased children or sudden onset of adult night terrors. They may also start to develop anxieties and obsessive thoughts, such as an irrational anxiety around being evil or causing harm, called “malevolence obsessive compulsive disorder,” affecting their ability to form relationships with others.
Relationship Strain: The guilt, grief and detachment related to abortion can strain relationships. Men may struggle to communicate their feelings, which can lead to emotional distance, resentment, and even breakups and separations. Due to the delayed trauma reaction often experienced by men, future relationships may also be affected by previous abortion.
Self-Blame and Shame: Male guilt and grief often manifests as self-blame and shame. Men may question their masculinity, worthiness as partners, and moral values.
Physical Health: Chronic stress related to unaddressed grief can lead to various physical health problems, including cardiovascular issues, compromised immune function, and even an increased risk of substance abuse. Men are at higher risk of these conditions, so it’s essential that grief and trauma is addressed before there is lasting damage to their physical health.
Given the lack of available resources and support for men grieving abortion, it’s essential that all of us work to provide a supportive environment where men feel safe to discuss their feelings and experiences around abortion. We have to give voice to this crisis affecting men, and bring them out of their shame and invisibility.
Men are not going to open up easily, so it’s up to all of us, especially the supportive women in men’s lives, to encourage them to talk, without judgment, and support them in overcoming this trauma. Here are some practical steps to help address male grief:
Ask them to talk, and then listen: Partners should strive to maintain open, honest, and non-judgmental communication regarding their feelings about abortion. If you are a new partner for a man who has experienced abortion, it isn’t helpful to judge or blame the woman, because what you don’t hear is that he is blaming himself as well. Condemnation of her choice may, inadvertently, trigger his own obsessive thoughts about how the abortion took place. Stay factual and supportive, let him discuss his feelings freely, and listen - silence can be healing. You don’t have to have all the words. Ensure he knows his role in this decision was based on the best available information he had at the time. If he was disempowered, remind him that it was not his weakness or lack of fight, but forces outside of him. It’s important you encourage men to get their emotions out , rather than keep them inside where they can damage his body and mind.
Seek Professional Help: Most grief counsellors and coaches support men in all areas of grief, including abortion. This professional therapy can provide a safe space for men to process their grief, guilt and shame. It’s extremely helpful for relationships, existing and new relationships, and ensuring there isn’t residual bitterness or resentment that will affect their ability to function effectively in a relationship.
Support Groups: Joining support groups specifically designed to address their unique experiences of grief after abortion is beneficial. These groups, though many religious in their ethos, are open to all faiths and those without confirmed faith. It’s powerfully healing to be around those who have experienced the same trauma, and understand the daily challenges of recovering.
Conclusion
Men are undeniably affected by abortion.
Despite what people may say, or society’s conventions, there is an energetic bond created from father to unborn child when a man impregnates a woman. Though there are men that skirt their responsibility, or deny that bond, that is not a natural state. To be a man that feels profoundly that bond between himself and his child demonstrates health, strength of spirit and character, and that can not be ignored. That should not be invisible.
A man’s experience of grief and guilt in abortion is significantly different from a woman’s, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The unaddressed pain can lead to intense emotional distress and physical health issues, making it crucial to break the silence surrounding male grief after abortion. The lasting scars and trauma from abortion can lead to many distressing outcomes for the man, and for society.
